Thursday, November 8, 2012

A day of venting. Now to get past it, beyond it heal and cleanse


Wow, as I'm sitting here trying to overcome the latest round of Migraine pain and all that accompanies it (vertigo-Hey, I did a few bouts of judo w/the floor already today so does that count as exercise) and the clumsiness that comes w/it (again the judo w/the floor, I'll have the bruises to show for it later but soreness is now kicking in). The fuzzy, blurry, Blinky sparkly lights, and hey it's not Christmas yet (even though it's fast approaching even though they started showing those commercials a few weeks ago-thanks a lot Target-NOT) and that lovely blind spot in my peripheral vision that sometimes makes me run into things if I turn too fast in that direction (again ouch, if I wasn't already a natural born klutz to begin with). The numbness has settled into the LH side of the face and that Jackhammer devil has settled in behind my LH eye. Whoever called it an icepick headache never experienced one of these dam things because it just hammers away non-stop like a devil with a jackhammer and it makes the whole temple area hurt and the pressure points along the eyebrow are tender and eventually the scalp is sore to the touch and I swear my hair hurts cause I can't brush it or wash it without causing pain, it's so tender and sensitive all over.
And why do these things make the base of the skull and neck so doggone sore that it even reaches the shoulder-well today I could blame it on my judo attacks on the floor-but other times it's there anyway. It's like the upper back, shoulder, neck, scalp, temple, eye and pain in the head all become one. Then the slightest bit of light is too much-all lights are off and thank goodness (and only a migrainer would say this) for the overcast day. The smells are amplified and overpowering. My daughters one dog passed gas earlier and I just about lost it. OMG do they make anti-gas pills for dogs-they should i'd buy a case of them!! GROSS!! He went outside pronto but of course he did nothing to alleviate that problem. I'm trying to steer as far from him as possible but he's the clingy one and shadows me. Figures.
It's quite. Just like I need it. No TV. No phone-shhhhhh. Don't want to jinx it. It's a cell anyway so I can mute it or hit ignore button unless it's an emergency. Thank goodness the Postal Carrier didn't come to the front door or my 1 dog and my daughters 2 would have had a howl/barkfest and her 1 that is the clinker, he's a puggle and he does this baying/barking noise that just makes the sharpest of stabbing pain in my head like a dozen swords zigzagging in multiple patterns a million miles an hr non-stop. I wish I could super glue his mouth shut sometimes. I thought of a shock collar but he is epileptic and you can't do that to him, it could cause more seizures. As long as no one comes to the front door, or honks their horn in the driveway, or as long as the neighbor keeps their garage door shut it's quiet. But then when everyone comes home for the day in our "own" garage they even let loose then. It's like "really"??? My best friend got me a super soaker but the little cartridge that comes w/it doesn't hold enough water for 3 dogs. Darn it. I need one that holds at least 1/2 gallon. I need a super blaster to shut this crowd up.
And then when spouse and daughter get home then the TV just has to come on for some reason. And when they turn it on they have to jack up the volume like someone that's 1/2 deaf. It's like "really"? If your that hard of hearing go get your ears checked. The neighbors who are 2 acres away do NOT need to hear our TV. Turn it down. I usually go to the bedroom to be away from the noise and they act like I'm being anti-social and they come and ask me "what's your problem, can't you come and visit?" to which I have to remind them like I always do time and time again "I would if the TV wasn't turned up for the neighbors to hear it because I cannot tolerate it that loud" then of course I have to hear "oh what's the matter you have a headache again" then we go into the "I wish it was just a headache life would be so much easier-no I don't have a headache I have a MIGRAINE which is a totally different thing it's a disabling DISEASE". I guess that's what happens when you have a husband who sits on his brain, I mean butt all day. LOL.
No matter what, and they should know by now because they've seen it often enough and herd it often enough and know I'm not faking it-but still they don't get it and never will. So I give up trying to educate them. There are just some people who are not educateable. I know, that is not a word. But for someone who has 2 degree's and is book smart is not totally smart and that smarts, if you get my jest. That is for my spouse. He can work on houses, cars, computers (which he has his 1st degree in) electronics, mechanics, basically a jack of all trades-but he cannot figure out Migraine is a disease and not a basic headache you can just "get over it". Men. You gotta love 'em. Hm mm. Even at times you want to hit them over the head with your cast iron skillet, even you can muster up the strength. And then you hope you're coordinated enough to not drop it on your own head instead 1st.
But, you try to get to a point in your life where you can take it in stride and learn to not let it bother you so, even when you are having orders barked at you to do so and so and such and such and given a deadline. You know more than anyone what your capacity is and when your incapacitated your not able to haul stuff around and dejunk, especially when the stuff your expected to dejunk is not yours to begin with. I'm not touching the stuff he drug to our house from his mothers house on the promise he'd go through it. Well, now is the time for him to go through it. I did as much the other day to drag it out of the back bedroom because he was ragging on me it was a mess and my telling him all this time is was crap from his mothers house. Well, I drug it in the great room area-sure it's a mess, but to prove a point it's his mothers crap-now he has to go through it and dejunk it. I'm not doing it-it's not my job-not my mother (praise the Lord for that!) Now he's onto me about the front bedroom and I've told him that is his daughters crap. He's told me to get onto her about it. I have. She's refused to listen to me, said she's never had time. Well she will be off work this Sat thru Tues. Her FATHER will get onto her to go through it. If she doesn't then HE can toss it into the truck and take it all to Goodwill. I REFUSE to be held responsible for other peoples junk and be tormented over it. I didn't do it and I won't clean it up!
I get razzed about this tiny upstairs study. He built one downstairs that was suppose to be his. Fine. I put my books back on the shelves up here and got small file cabinets then he took it back over upstairs in addition to having space downstairs. Now that his stuff is all over up here as is mine it's MY fault the upstairs study is cluttered. He had a computer downstairs but it was outdated and he had it recycled. So he got a tower only and put it in the upstairs study to Piggy back it to MY tower and use MY monitor. He uses MY file cabinets in addition to his larger ones downstairs. He gripes I used the shelves and cluttered them with MY books. And of course using his SMS logic he remembers NOT a word or plans of having the downstairs much larger office (3-4x the size of this one) as his only and my keeping this one as mine only. By the way SMS stands for stupid male syndrome.
Then he says when he works from home it's more convenient to be upstairs to use the bathroom and it's warmer-told him I had a portable ceramic fan forced desktop heater-heck we have a full sized one too. Then he doesn't want to buy a new flat screen monitor-hey they are much cheaper now, nor a new keyboard or mouse-he uses mine as again he just has the tower and piggybacked onto my PC and uses my components that I payed for.
But again it's all nickles and dimes. It's a power play going on. The male dominance. I'm surprised he hasn't hiked his leg to mark his territory on the study yet. LOL, just kidding.
I really don't know at times where he's coming from and at other times I can pinpoint it exactly. He resents me being home and not working. Thinks I'm playing hooky and on early retirement. If only. While he works all day. He even said as much "while your home all day doing nothing". What an insult. Sometimes I get so angry like I am now (gee, I'm sure you picked up on that a few paragraphs ago) I could spit nails. He likes to treat me unequally and with contempt-he gets that from his mother. His dad was gone all day until late at night-I'm sure he couldn't stand to be around her either. When I met his father he was quite an agreeable man. Nice and easy going. Those two were totally mismatched. I still wonder to this day how he had ended up with such a hateful ole shrew. And mean. Even her kids will tell stories of how mean she was. But the eldest. Because she was mommies favorite will spare the childhood stories, but the others have told some horrible stories on mommy dearest. So it's not totally all his fault for the way he was raised but it's his fault for continuing the legacy.
With that being said and now that I vented-my friend Heidi still on her honeymoon so I have not been able to vent. My apologies to everyone for my venting. But I need to meditate, let go of the anger-I feel it receding now but it must be put away and I need to come to peace with my family, spouse and even his family and not let the anger take over. I need to loosen up and not let the anger become a part of me and fight the anger of migraine pain. I need to move on and take care of myself. I'm sure it's going to be a long weekend so I need to focus and be mentally and try to physically prepare myself. I'm refilled on my migraine preventive and abortives and I do need to try to tolerate hearing that washing machine to get a load caught up. I do have a new batch of ear plugs so that should help.
I hope and pray the rest of you have a restful, peaceful and joyful weekend.
Take care to you all.

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